Am I Letting This Hold Me Back?

After so much thinking, I decided to withdraw my study abroad application in October.  I entered college with the intention of going abroad.  I had been looking forward to it since I was in high school and started learning Spanish.  When I was 16 I traveled to Spain for nine of the most amazing days I had ever had.  Now, almost five years later, I am sitting here in New York while my friends are off having the time of their lives in Europe.  Within the past year and a half, I have had so many hospital visits and so many flare ups of my blood clots, that I knew I shouldn’t risk it.  I would not have been able to travel as much as I had originally planned to because I am not able to fly for long periods of times.  Although my Spanish is pretty good, I would be scared to not be able to communicate with a doctor if something were to happen to me.

I am so happy for my friends but at the same time I can’t help but be so jealous, and feel that it is unfair that I am not able to be there with them.

I also can’t help but think that maybe, maybe.. I am overreacting? Is it my anxiety that is tricking me into thinking my history with blood clots is worse than it actually is?

Did I make the right decision? Or was I overreacting and limiting myself?

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2 thoughts on “Am I Letting This Hold Me Back?

  1. That must have been a hard choice for you to make but it was a safe choice. My anxiety holds me back from alot including a free all expenses paid trip to go to school for art in Paris when I was younger. Based on your health problems i would say you didnt overreact that your decision was a good one even though its followed by loneliness.

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  2. Caitlin Thurston says:

    Hi, you posted on my story on Stop the Clot back in January so I thought I would come visit your blog.
    The anxiety you talk about is so common among us with DVTs. I can tell you that it does get better if you let it. Some people manage it on their own, other seek out counseling or medications. For the first year after my first DVT I let the anxiety control me, instead of me controlling it. My DVT and health was always on my mind and I don’t think I every truly relaxed. At some point and I don’t really know what the tipping point was (it may have been after processing the reality that I had 3 massive DVTs and was still alive), I decided to take back my life and that I was going to make choices for myself and not for my DVT. My health was still a part of me, but not all of me. I started to travel again but took precautions. I started to take small, educated risks and built up from there. I am now planning an international trip this summer and will go with an open heart and relaxed attitude. I plan to have my medial history with me and translated in Italian, I will use lovenox injections while flying, and a few other tricks I have learned through support groups.
    While an extended trip to an undeveloped part of the world may not be a wise choice, try not to let your DVT rule your life. International travel should not be off your list for the rest of your life. Heck, some in my MTS group travel internationally for medical treatment. Maybe consider a summer program that would be shorter and in a major city close to good medical treatment if it is needed. My year abroad in high school was something that helped make me a stronger, more independent adult and is something that probably helped me in more ways than I will ever know. Maybe don’t close the door on something like that entirely.

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